The Princess and the Creeper
          Tuesday, March 13th 2007

          The night before I interviewed the Creeper I had a dream that his wife told him she was pregnant with a daughter. 
I told him this. He said that he isn’t married but that maybe I was his wife in a past life…
          Maybe not the best way to start out an interview, but that’s just how I do things. We never really came to a conclusion about my dream, but when we do, I’ll be sure to let everyone know. After we moved on from the awkward question, the evening progressed with cigarettes and beer. Ok, I only had one beer, but I had to be professional, right?
          I met the Creeper (the monster from Jeepers Creepers 1 and 2, you fools), Jonathan Breck, at a local Hollywood pub. I was greeted by him sporting a Mets hat and sans facial skin flaps and large wings on his back. Phew. He and a friend accompanying him were both entertaining fellows, to say the least. Their banter gave me plenty to laugh about for a while. Although neither of them were that great at guessing my astrological sign (Aries and Scorpio they guessed) when I’m CLEARLY a Leo, I forgave them because of their quick wit and ability to make me laugh so loud that I shook the courtyard.
          We discussed everything and nothing. Breck’s favorite movies include, Chinatown, Field of Dreams, Jacob’s Ladder, The Shining, Planes Trains and Automobiles (I rejoiced when I heard this…one of my favorites for years), and…Arthur? “I think Arthur’s hilarious,” he said. 
    Jeepers Creepers scarred my 16 year-old brother when it first came out. For those of you retards out there who still don’t know what I’m talking about. The movie came out in 2001: the sequel, 2003. Kids being chased by a truck? Kids finding an underground lair with corpses hanging all over the place? Kid gets his eyes ripped out of his head? Yeah, that’s the one. This movie gave my brother nightmares for so long he considers it one of his favorites—a good way to gauge the quality of a horror film. About the Creeper, he said, “He’s pretty much badass.” His only real question about the whole filming process was how the tongue tasted when the Creeper chewed on one in the first movie.
          Breck said, “Like a big piece of rubber.”
          So what did Breck do before he was the Creeper? Well, outside of acting, he was a medical sales person where he handled “large equipment.” As for acting, he, awesomely, partook in lots and lots of theatre. Ah, a man after my own heart. “If I could make a living in theatre, that’s what I would do.”
          And, of course, as I would have thought, Breck had a stint on soap opera, One Life to Live, which he described as a “clusterfuck.” Remember, I DID call the guy a “hunk” in my last column. Hunks act on soap operas! 
          It’s pretty difficult to picture him dressed up as the monster known as the Creeper. After seven hours of makeup (I think that’s what he said, anyway), he was decked out in the scaly monster latex. He said it was like a second skin and that he had, “People grabbing my ass. It’s pretty creepy hot.” 
          As to my hunk comment he said, “I’ve never thought of myself like that at all. I’m a hunk of flesh, yeah…” On second thought he followed it up with, “I’m too much hunk to handle, baby. You MIGHT be able to get both legs around this.” 
          Would the Creeper like to have a part of me in his collection? 
          He said, “I think you’d be good. It might take me a while to figure out what part I’d want – you have a lot of good qualities the Creeper might want. The Creeper needs a little Jolene quality.” Speaking of which, will there be a third installment of Jeepers Creepers? It’s merely a rumor now, but man would I love to be in it.
          I also asked if he’s ever fantasized about being the Creeper in a sexual situation. Sadly, he said no, but did say, “The Creeper is a very sexual character…very sensual…very passionate.” Now that’s what I like to hear! 
          A question that any sane person would ask--Who would win in a match between Freddy and the Creeper?
          “Freddy’s tired. The Creeper’s got young legs.”
          So that was it. That was the interview. Now I can only dream that the Creeper will want to steal one of my body parts. Sigh.
          Stay tuned for my next column where I will post photos and possibly some journal entries from the set of Unhinged Cinema’s, The Roadside Killer—Episode 2. I star as Gwen Garcia, an unfortunate victim. Filming began on Saturday. I was doused with snow and lots and lots of blood. My big death scene will be filmed in the near future…